I have been married for just over 16 years now. And now it seems that part of my life is coming to a close. Being Catholic I really struggle with the worldly views of marriage and the Marriage of my faith.
My divorce is pending. But will complete eventually. As a Catholic I should be fighting for the Marriage. But also as a Catholic I need to do what is right for the individuals. Who does the fighting help? No one but if we separate life should become more calm for each party including our child. So where is that line? Marriage and mental stability. It is hard to say. And where is the line of sin? I don’t know.
Since we made our decision to part I have not received Holy Communion. I don’t feel that I am currently in Communion with my Lord. I know you probably don’t understand and I am struggling to explain, but I will try. I do believe in God. I believe that God loves me. But just as the bred is broken and restored within us I am broken but not yet restored. I am not a worth vessel for my Lord.
“Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof but only say the Word and my soul shall be healed”.
My soul does need healing. But where do I start? Reconciliation is a good first step. But am I ready for that? In some ways yes but also no.
There was a time when I was very close to some priests and could talk to them as friends. But they have moved on with their lives. One is a pastor another is across the bay and yet another is no longer in ministry. I miss having a solid friend that could hear my confession and understand my life and truly give me the comfort of absolution. It is so different being in confession for me with someone who doesn’t know me. I do feel better and receive absolution but it is not as comforting.
Well, this is a new path for me… Let’s see where it leads..
Pray for me.